If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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