Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
