This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
