all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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