Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
