don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
