just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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