is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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