I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
