nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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