Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
