chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
