i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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