Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
