I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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