In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm too high and old for this...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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