update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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