I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
