The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
