the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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