why didn't you poke me back
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
