how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
being pregnant is like rehab
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
