i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
