I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
