All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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