After last night, I could never be a politician.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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