I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
