mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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