Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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