There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
