tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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