I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
