ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
