I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Randomize
