1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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