Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
