Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Text me some of your sweat
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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