I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
