He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just had sex on a roof
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
