the only muscles i have these days is kegels
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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