My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
