Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
as a side note pls kill me
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