Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
