There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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