can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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