You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
