I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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