apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We need to get me chipped asap
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
