Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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