I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
