Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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